Certainty sometimes seems to me like one of those "personal development paradoxes". On one hand I strive to maintain "a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing" but in the other I bask in the comfort of
certainty.
The last year brought a large amount of upheaval to my life. It was quite possibly the densest time period of rapid changes I've ever experienced. and yet I found myself experiencing more certainty than ever before.
I think a huge factor in this was that I started doing
strength training.
I think the other component to it is that I experienced a tipping point. I passed the 5 year mark of reading personal development Every. Day. (not as a spectator, but as a participant. There is a key difference.)
I think one of my favorite types of certainty is the certainty of the uncertain. Knowing For Sure that at any moment I could uncover a habit that's been holding me back for decades, and decide to ditch it, right then and there. Knowing For Sure that the individual who will be my future business partner and I might pass each other in the street EVERY DAY but my current vibration has me looking the other way.
Going through a metamorphosis is so scary, because in between
Caterpillar and Butterfly, you are just goo. In my limited experience, it seems that not many people want to do the goo.
Understandable. It's hard to visualize becoming something you've never been before, and why take the risk of being stuck as goo for all of eternity?
I'm certain that is a risk one must take. Statistically speaking, I'm sure there is a chance you could be goo forever. But the odds are way greater that you get to become a butterfly and from that, a next metamorphosis and one after that, and another one. You will get comfortable with the discomfort of being the goo. The Certainty of Uncertainty.
I'm really enjoying my current phase of calling all
patterns and beliefs into question.
Sometimes it starts as what feels like an anxiety attack. Am I the worlds worst parent? Am I actually super lazy? What is the appropriate dollar amount of my budget to allocate for purely sinful, self indulgent hedonism? Am I even allowed to write about finance whilst sitting atop my lofty mountain of white girl privilege? Should I just drive these ducks to some farm tomorrow, say "here ya go" and turn my back on this lifestyle forever?
I've frequently read that
we are really misguided about what will make us happy. I remember this when I am starting to have an inner freak out that I have made/am continuing to make all the wrong choices in life. I remember that I am actually already happy. And then The Gym calls to say my credit card was declined on the last payment. and then I am
happier still because I no longer have to waste my mental resources thinking about the gym.
For the entire last month I have deliberated whether I should or should not keep the family gym membership. Can I afford it? Is driving 45 minutes in each direction to the gym worth it? Can I discipline myself to stick to a strict exercise regimen at home? Am I a bad mom if I don't have 7000 extra curricular activities in my repertoire so that the children grow up to be well rounded individuals, cozily seated atop yet an even taller mountain of white privilege***?
I would like stronger decision making muscles, so that I am not subject to my choices being made by default. I think that is what this blog is actually about. I like money, but money for the sake of money has never motivated me.
In the last quarter of 2016 I am working on feeling rested. The only thing I ever fantasize about now is time. Time to sleep. Time alone. Time to relax with my kids, just paying attention to them while we do arts and crafts. not fussing over the mess in the kitchen, the mess in the bathroom, the laundry, the latest water pipe issue, or some irrelevant thing my phone is telling me.
My certainty right now is that my bedtime is 8 o'clock PM. I love it. I already feel 40 times more amazing than I did before I installed this habit 4 nights ago. I am certain that this effect will continue to culminate, creating more clarity, and more of the type of certainty that is conducive to this quest.
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*** White Privilege. It's a thing. I thought I would address it right here at the beginning. I will probably not write about it that much in further posts because I find it to be a criticism that is really overused these days towards people who are dedicating the vast majority of thier lives to making Planet Earth a better place. I don't think we get ahead as a collective consciousness by finger pointing and picking each other apart, tearing down & discrediting our intentions and most sincere efforts.
I spent much of my childhood being fascinated by racism (because it makes zero sense) and time and time and more time pondering, trying to figure out what lottery I must have won to be born White in Canada in this particular time period. I also spent many days when I was a kid trying to figure out why my thoughts sound like they are coming from inside my head and not from deep within that tree over there. No certainty on that topic either, as of yet.
