Something Amazing

A little later as she was leaving Petras said one last thing. "the heart and the mind rarely lie at the same time, Isabelle."
She stopped in the doorway and waited for him to continue but he didn't.  "I don't understand that."
"Whatever you do now, listen to yourself carefully before acting, Try to recognize which part of you is telling the truth and which part is lying because it's safe or easier."
"Know thyself?" she asked with a smile.
"Know thyselvessss" he answered, elongating the last syllable so that he sounded like a buzzing bee.

                                                                                                 -Glass Soup, by Johnathan Caroll
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The book quote above was also stashed in my facebook notes.
I titled it "If Salvador Dali Wrote a Book it Would Taste Like This."

Reading back through my old writing would have been illuminating enough, but sharing that process with others... was such an enhanced version of that. The way I describe the sharing thing now is very much to do with the map of consciousness. I like having an idea and then sending it out and getting the feedback so much faster.

I like turning off facebook. I notice we get so habitual in the way we think about things. Our "frameworks". I love forcing myself into new frameworks. I even love the discomfort now, because I know that feeling it and exploring that feeling is what gives rise to change.

There is something about change that contains sadness. a leaving behind-ness.

like when you go back to your hometown it's all the same.

Grey Overalls Man sitting on the bench outside the videostore talking to the Biker. and they are smoking. and they had this conversation yesterday, and they had it the day before yesterday too.

and there is comfort in the sameness but there is also sadness. You stop for a few minutes to chat with them and contribute the same words to the conversation that you said the last time you joined it, the day you moved out of that town. You don't linger long because it's annoying to have cigarette smoke creeping up into your nostrils and closing in around your throat.

Smoking. I'm ready to write it. alright. the album: Florence and the Machine, Lungs.

this Florence chick has so much raw talent. "Happiness hit her like a train on a track" YES! "Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back" even more yes.

I grabbed this album right before I moved out of Guelph. It was playing in the music store and I said "what is this it sounds like arcade fire."

I remember it being the soundtrack in my car when I lived in Erin for the last time.

"No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love, No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong one"

Those are the kind of lyrics that ensure a person learns how to grow up into a 30 year old Mom/Real Woman.

Lungs. Specifically track 8- Between Two Lungs. So much passion and intensity in that song.

It became my Quit Smoking Anthem of Self Respect (because I hypothesized that all smokers secretly hate themselves. I was aware that somehow smoking was an expression of me hating something about myself.)

I had quit easily when I found out I was pregnant with Z.

Like a moron I thought I'd "try it again just for fun" after she was a few months old.

That was dumb.

So Thornbury 2012. Florence's Lungs and Dave Mathews Away From the World are my soundtracks nearly every day headed down 26 to Collingwood to work at The Iron Skillet. the self empowerment soundtracks. Oh and I mixed them right in with Tony Robbins Unleash The Power Within, which I still have out from the Blue Mountain Public Library. I will make you a copy. Its like Square One to Anything You Want.

I determined to quit smoking, so I did. It was my final time, and maybe you've seen me take a drag of one here or there since then, because I refuse to live by Absolutes. That is actually one of my personal keys to my success. No Absolutes.

I think Gretchen Rubin says that only works for some personality types. I will write the condensed guide to Gretchen Rubin another day.

So now when I am around smoking I think "whhhhhhhy? why this self torture???"

I read once that if you woke up in the body of someone who smoked for 10 years that you would think something is seriously wrong with you and you would immediately take yourself to the hospital. this I believe because I remember how craptactular I felt at age 22 after 8 years of cigarette addiction and long shifts on my feet all day on concrete hunched over sinks and workstations. I had such permanent back pain.

I thought Geez if this is 22 how am I going to feel when I am 44????

It's funny to look back on that girl from "now" because I am not very much like her. I am calmer, less impulsive (really. both of those things.)

and I am healthy. that girl was not healthy. but she must have wanted to be real badly because I am created from her.

my resolve and mental clarity the last 5 years have made it so if I over indulge I get so dizzy and sick so fast that it's so terribly un-fun. and I like it that way. I like my life SO MUCH!

This is the attitude I have to keep tapping into when I am loosing belief in myself and think I should not bother trying to create new things for fear of failure.

I'm so scared of leaving people behind. I don't want to put up a NO SMOKING sign and shut out people who mean so much to me. but I also don't want smoke choking me out.

I also know that "we can not solve problems with the same mindset that created them" and that smoking is a really great example of a problem mindset. I say this because I have lived on both sides and they are like night and day. I was so helpless as a smoker.

I'm not resonating "helplessness" because it is a terrible business strategy.

How to create a channel to still allow my smoker friends to receive my Love without allowing their Fears to project onto me & destroy my resolve to build amazing things for all to enjoy?

I'm not finished with this topic but the sun is up and It's time to be a Duck Farmer.
I wanted to write Something Amazing today because i am nauseated when I have to read my writing and it sounds like teenager diaries. blech.