The lowest low I felt in the past year was after I finished Personal Trainer Course at the Barrie YMCA.
I sat in front of my computer, eating an entire loaf of bread and an entire pound of butter, trying to figure out why I felt so horrible.
It didn't make sense. I got 91% on the first exam component. I had such a fun time! My classmates were beyond awesome!
But then I realized that was exactly why I felt awful. It was the happiest, most authentic, inclusive, motivated group of people I had ever spent time with.
And now it was over. 😢
On one hand that's probably when I should have quit Ducks. But if I'd done that I never would have met Dan, heard about Lifestock, and gone to see Joel Salatin In Real Life. (Check it out: Reality is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where no matter what path you pick you always get to make cool friends, learn neat stuff, & are presented with opportunity to grow beyond yourself)
Where I messed up was that I kept telling myself I had to stay in the forest until I had re-payed all my debt (some distorted version of Klingon Honor, that's what that is about)
But all that kept happening was my car kept breaking down every other month, sinking me further and further into debt... (starting to make the connection to my subconscious angst about the vehicle likely contributing to it's eventual demise...)
You can not make yourself love something that you do not love.
Trying to force myself to Love Bracebridge made me really sick.
Instead of saying "I must find some way to Love it here because there are starving kids in Africa who don't have water this clean and beautiful and blah blah blah someday far off in the future If I ever somehow am done paying off this mountain of debt I will go do what I actually want"
What I should have said (and what I now say) is: While I express my immense gratitude for having a place to live, this particular place is wrong for me. I don't know how long I'll be trapped here, but I can decide where I'm going with such clarity of vision that I Know I will recognize & seize the right opportunity when I see it.
And in the meantime, I can continue viewing this all as a gift, practice managing my state, enjoy time to read, time to write, time to think, refine my habits, set impeccable daily routines, etc..
(And daydream about paying off my debt while also being somewhere doing something that feeds my soul)
