Is impatience a Disease?

as per Petual, I am contemplating many things today.

I snarked at my Dad this morning for always being impatient and in a rush. I am scrutinizing my own tendency to always be impatient and in a rush, so I am without denial of this quality in my own self.

When people snip at me and rush me, I start to forget the important things (like my cellphone maybe, or the really important paper I should have grabbed before we drove 2 hours in the truck to get to my X-ray appointment) I feel like my life has been a looping series of craftily apologizing to bureaucrats as to why I am standing in thier presence and have no idea where that requisition form is.

And when I snip and rush my children to join the pointless race of culture we all feel like crap.

I cried once, about paperwork, and wondered if I kept pushing myself hard enough I would ever get to a place where it felt like the pressure was off. Okay I still wonder that today.

I allowed myself to stand in an objective enough perspective this last 30 days to see things as unbiased as I could. I allowed myself to feel the experiences of my lifetime (and own my feelings)
and also put myself in (as best as I can approximate) what I or this world or anything else looks like from everyone else's shoes.

when I stand in the shoes of nobody at all, I see a culture of hurry. of rush rush rush, and of "I HAVE THINGS TO DO" (oh how I have sounded like all of that since I became a parent)

The Impatience disease. The busyness disease. The emptiness disease, I think is how Ember Swift sings it.

when I step back and slow down to embrace a mind that is calm and tethered I see some over there, umbrellas twisted in a hailstorm of thier own device, fighting, fighting fighting against the pressure.

and over there are folks who are breathing. mindfully navigating the challenges. harnessing the power of infinity.

I've been thinking a lot lately about addictions. why we desire altered states of cognizance. how to categorize the various states we think we are wanting to access? this is a question I will be asking Sara, because if anyone has read that textbook it would be her.

I'm kind of curious about Nootropics but I'm also very reluctant to experiment until I'm surrounded by enough safe loving physical bodies. No more Unsupervised Renegade Neuroscience for this girl.

but then, life is entirely composed of Unsupervised Renegade Neuroscience, isn't it? :)

looking back 5 years showed me how beautiful I feel about my relationship with minimalism.
back then it was all about learning to manage the physical clutter:

looking at my old bedroom makes me want to google image search "bookshelf porn" right now!!!....
yup. I did it. I couldn't resist.

Whereas my relationship with minimalism Now has more to do with how I aspire to conduct my relationships. With my children. With my parents, friends, extended family. With my lovers. I'd even extend it to my relationship with the natural world: the garden, the animals, Planet Earth as a whole.

Let Joshua Feilds Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus explain how I feel.

OH! and my self!!!

I have such a choke-hold on my own neck trying to constantly outdo my personal best.

I ask myself so many questions. Why this? What about that?

I read once that "we" (culturally) go shopping because we are looking for something to entertain us. Instead of having a potluck with the neighbors, we think we can buy some kitsch to fill our souls up.

So I started initiating a potluck every time I felt the urge to purchase knick-knacks. Or grabbing some toys my kids were done with and delivering them to a neighbors house. Or even the "phone a friend" lifeline. "Hi! I have nothing to talk about in particular. I just need to change my state so I don't do something pointlessly impulsive."

I've been re-listening (in my mind) to conversation's with my Counselor in Guelph. Great statements like "community means coming into unity". 

I originally went to see Tim Tencher because I wanted to stop alcohol as a behavior pattern. I didn't feel it necessary to quit drinking forever or make statements that I was "weak and powerless" (although I support whichever habit change tactics one chooses and uses)

I've been thinking lately about addictions (smokes/booze/dope/food/television/sex/etc....) and how we use them to escape... or enhance, or whatever... for me its the boredom of constantly being under pressure. Does anyone else feel ennui and duress at the same time?

I think of all the addictions I have overcome and how much better I feel in contrast to when they had a grip on me. I think of all the addictions, or even minor behavior patterns I want to improve NOW. RIGHT NOW. okay, actually tomorrow.

because I remind myself that it's not healthy to hold myself to impossible standards of perfection.

I promised myself I will be able to look back and remember being patient and fun loving with my kids, who are my world, and that I am not going to be that person If I am trying to live up to impossible standards. ***oooh let's see If I can never eat simple carbohydrates ever again***

pffft. *rolls eyes* Unrealistic Idealism.

Whenever I am not sure about a choice I am making, I ask myself "am I making this choice out of fear or love."

If a choice is causing me to be an impatient busy jerk-face it's generally made from fear.

Yes I want to be a good leader, and work with others to be great leaders together.
and that is happening. 

I'm letting myself enjoy the rest of age 30. sink in and celebrate the endurance test I took to get here. and relax. breathe. focus. direct my mind. find a way to share my gifts with those who seek them in a way that serves our mutual benefit. Nobody wins when I hold myself to impossible standards.